Would you believe me if I told you I was mad at God, or that I even got mad at God? Of course you would, who hasn’t?
This was a hard time for my family. Scott was losing his sister and I thought I, with the faith (The size of a mustard seed), was to bring His sister back to life. I meditated on the scripture when Jesus woke up Jairus's daughter (Mark 5:35-43) and when He brought out Lazarus (John ch11). I was preparing lol.
I sat and prayed on when He told us that we would be able to do the same things he does and even more
So, what about when my husband’s sister is laying in a coma at Thomas Jefferson Philadelphia Hospital. I remember sitting in the back of my pastor’s cars, my hands clasped in a tight prayer as I went into this with a kid like faith.
I Kristina was going to walk into that room whisper “wake up” and my sister in law that I just started forming a relationship was gonna sit up. I was excited because this was gonna be quite the testimony. I imagined there would be doctors and nurses passing out left and right! A miracle was about to take place in that ICU room. I hoped they were ready, Because I WAS!
We drove the two hours from Poconos Pa to Pottstown and then drove another two hours from Pottstown to Philedephia. We made it to the hospital and we all walked slowly to where Roxann was being held. There was such a heavy feeling in that room, and it smelled worst. I later learned that was the sense of death. We suited up for her protection and ours We laid our gloved hands on her with closed eyes and hopeful hearts as Pastor Rick said his prayers and supplications over her, anointing her with oil. In my heart and under my breath I kept repeating “In the name of Jesus, sit up. Wake up. Wake up, Wake up!!”
She never woke up, she twitched her hand and eventually even opened one eye slightly.. but in reality she never woke up. Nurses explained those were just her nerves still firing off movement and twitches, but didn't mean much. After a couple hours we left the hospital and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed. I can’t really say I was angry at God, but I really did think I had at least mustard like faith that God could and would wake up our sister Roxann; so it had to be me.. or was it God. This was such a hurt piece and I just wasn’t sure how to process this grief. I guess I have always been weird with death.
Roxann was just previously saved a year or so before that. She also started reaching out to our family more giving me an opportunity to grow our relationship. She was a special one, and she held a piece of my heart. At 36 Roxanne died of an ear infection that traveled to her brain. She had A.I.D.S and that was keeping any antibiotics from fighting off the infection due to her weak immune system. She left 4 children behind and a fiancé and tons of broken hearts.
I don’t really think it had anything to do with God or even my faith. Sometimes, despite how much we want it, we cant change what’s already written. We will never go a day early or late. I’m grateful I got to share time with my sister in law before the Lord called her home. And Im even more grateful to know that she gave her life to Jesus and she is now in a much better place, completely healed and whole <3 I look forward to when we are all reunited with the loved ones that have passed on to be with the Lord. Unfortunately, we only get to hold on to one picture of her and Scott at their brother Troy’s wedding. But it’s the most beautiful picture of her.
Roxann Kay Mulhearn July 16th 1981- October 2016
A LITTLE about the Author, Kristina
Thankful for who I AM. I am a woman after God's heart. A wife. A mother of 4 beautiful children. and a lover of all things good and true.. In that order. How do you do?